Kindness isn’t always nice…

I'm one week back into the traditional workforce after nearly 8 months of unemployment, and I'm back in retail after over 6 years of being in a less customer-facing environment. And it's allowed me to reflect on a lot of things.

I used to say that I never wanted to go back to retail. That I was burnt out and just couldn't put on my retail face anymore. That's not true at all, and I've actually missed the chance to interact with customers - I truly enjoy getting to be kind to other people. And I've had the opportunity to see the real difference between the fruit of Kindness and general niceness.

It's often easier to be nice, especially if you're non-confrontational. You don't want to stir the pot, you want everyone to get along, and, in a retail setting, you want your customers to feel good about their experience in the store. Being nice doesn't mean you’re being kind, though.

This definitely applies in other areas of my life as well. It's kind to be honest with people, and the truth hurts sometimes. It's kind to be compassionate and sympathetic toward someone in a difficult situation, but it would be nice to just solve the problem for them, so they no longer have to struggle.

Kindness also means having healthy boundaries when someone is using or abusing you. Even Jesus walked away from the Disciples and the multitudes on several occasions. He needed time to be alone with the Father. It wasn't a sin for Jesus to walk away when He was exhausted or at the edge of His patience – He was human, after all, and humans have limits. And before you say, "Jesus was the perfect human," hear me out. I don't disagree with that at all. He was perfect because He knew His limits and respected them. Jesus willingly came to this world in the bonds of flesh and blood, and since He helped create humans, He knew exactly what His experience would require for perfection. That doesn't mean Jesus wasn’t tempted – there's a whole section of the Gospels about His temptations in the desert. It just means that He didn't fall victim to those temptations. Which meant removing Himself from certain situations at certain times and encouraging the Disciples to do the same.

He told the Disciples not to try to convince anyone to let them stay who didn't want to hear the Truth from them. He said to knock the dust of the town from their sandals before they left and move on to the next place.

That doesn't sound very nice, does it? Don't even take their dirt with you when you leave, since they wanted nothing from you. Could you imagine something like that happening in today's society? Not really.

The modern church would have cheered if Jesus had said, "If they don't want to hear from you, tell them they're idiots wallowing in their own ignorance, tell them they're going to hell, and keep preaching the Good News until they understand it!"

The world we live in today thrives on negativity, pettiness, and discourse. News articles that go "viral" aren't the positive stories; it's the ones talking about how terrible things are, and how much worse they're going to get.

Positive stories don't get clicks, and the mainstream media knows this very well. The same with podcasts, YouTube videos, and radio shows (those that still exist today – TV killed the radio star for sure.)

But when people in the Western church (I'm always referencing those here in America when I say this) talk about being kind, they really mean to be nice to each other.

"Oh, don't say those things, that's not nice. You need to forgive that person and reconcile with them; it's what Jesus would do."

That’s not remotely true.

The Apostle Paul was not a nice person – he wasn't a kind person either, until Jesus intervened. But when he was teaching the churches across the known world, he told them the truth, and he didn't parse his words. He made sure to speak to them in a way that they would understand what he was teaching, and he told his audience that he was talking to them like they were babies. You don't believe me? Go read 1 Corinthians chapter 3.

I think everyone in the church would clutch their pearls if the pastor stood up and gave a sermon, and halfway through said to the whole congregation, "I'm speaking to you like the immature Christians that you are, and maybe one day you will grow to a point where we can have more complex and in-depth conversations. That day isn't today, but today is the day that we tend the seeds so that they may grow."

But that would be the kind thing to do - to point out that they are immature in their faith and understanding, but that they have the potential to grow and mature into a more complex understanding of God's teachings. Allowing a group to think they've learned all they can when they've barely scratched the surface certainly isn't being kind to them, but it would feel nice for them.

You can be nice and kind at the same time; niceness and kindness aren't a dichotomy. Polite greetings, well-wishes, and other societal niceties like that are ways to show kindness. Complimenting a woman on her appearance is certainly a way to show kindness when it's appropriately given. The same goes for a man – again, within the bounds of appropriate behavior.

One of my favorite ways to be kind – and it's a struggle sometimes, I can be very impatient – is to let someone go in front of me at the store or in an intersection. I won't sit there and let everyone go – that's a quick way to get a ticket for impeding traffic – but I do it because I would want the same thing done for me sometimes.

It's also kind to remove yourself from a situation that presses you beyond your ability to practice self-control. In some instances, that means not attending family gatherings or avoiding specific locations. People recovering from addiction are applauded when they avoid their vices. But people who struggle with abusive family members are often ridiculed for their lack of reconciliation.

Forgiveness does not require reconciliation, especially in an abusive or dangerous situation. Jesus didn't go chasing after Judas to share His forgiveness for what he was doing. Despite the betrayal Jesus very likely felt, He forgave Judas because Judas played a crucial role in the divine plan of eternal salvation.

Jesus cried out to forgive those who had beaten, tortured, and humiliated Him because they did what they did in ignorance. It wasn't a kindness for them; it was a kindness to Himself to not carry the offense.

Forgiveness is kindness to yourself, not necessarily to the other person. To forgive the other person is to let go of the burden of carrying the offense. It does not mean that the other person didn't hurt you, and it doesn’t mean that you need to forget everything that person ever did. You just relinquish your right to be offended by what they did, and you give that offense to God. Vengeance is His; don't let your own twisted version of justice get in the way.

In these situations, unlimited access to you is a nicer way of forgiving someone. But to be truly kind – to yourself and the other person – sometimes you have to remove yourself from their reach. It isn't kind to enable someone. It isn't kind to cripple someone by solving all of their problems for them. And it isn't kind to be pushed to your limits where you finally snap under the pressure.

The way I say it is simple – I don't want to see that person starve, but they won't be eating at my table ever again. I want to see them have a fruitful and prosperous life, just not in my circle. They won't have access to my resources, my blessings, or my gifts because they have shown that they want to abuse that access.

For a lot of "Christians" that looks like unkindness and unforgiveness. Not at all. Paul teaches in his letters that you don't maintain relationships with people who willingly stay in sin after they have accepted that Jesus is who He said He is – the way, the truth, and the life. We all stumble and fall short of the glory of God (Paul tells us that, too, in Romans). But people who see Jesus as a free pass to do whatever they want are abusing the gift of Grace. And if they abuse Jesus's freely given gifts, they'll likely turn that same behavior toward you when they see that you can help get them out of trouble.

Niceness isn't always kindness, and kindness doesn't always feel good for either party.